There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
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she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Alexa: *deep breath*
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped