My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
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10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
No, I don’t think I will.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.