There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
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If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store