Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
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“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”