I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
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[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Only Americans understand
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.