I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
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It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Still my favourite meme.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.