At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
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I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
is this a threat
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”