Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
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If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.