Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
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I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
mariah carrie
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)