Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
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I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”