Battery falling down a hole
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“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*