Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
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[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?