When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
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2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dadās bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of āheās a lesbian in his bonesā jokes
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
āSorry, I canāt work today due to the snowā
āButā¦ we work from home anyway?ā
āYeah, sorry, the snowās really bad hereā
āBut we have a Zoom call inā¦ā
āI know, sorry. Hopefully itāll clear up by tomorrow!ā
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
šµ These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said āWeāre finally empty nesters. Letās start travelingā.
Why donāt they just call pot head janitors ā High maintenance ā ?
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Today my 2nd grader said āI wonāt ride on the bus with my big brother again until Iām in 9th grade and heās in 12th!ā And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Thursday
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language