When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
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“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?