But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
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Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.