i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
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Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
We’re all getting idioter.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Woke up against my better judgement again
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.