I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
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“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Never let them know your next move 😂
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬