You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
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A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player