So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
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Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.