The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
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If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Hot Hot Hot
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.