Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
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I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
how much for the angry fruit?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola