Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
You Might Also Like
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Holy crap this is wonderful
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.