I support this random dude and all his protests
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My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
my mind
You just read my mind
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant