When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
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My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
happy valentine’s day to me
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family