me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
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Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
#ProTip
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.