What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
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[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??