pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
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The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Why is no one talking about this?!
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow