If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
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The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
broke down and did it
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*