Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
You Might Also Like
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
You look like you would fail a DNA test
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
how to have an accident 101
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget