Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
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My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…