Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
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Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀