“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
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File under excellent bookstore names.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Hot Hot Hot
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.