My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
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If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE