The only equipped I am is ill.
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hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
The pasta is now
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right