I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
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Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
reminder
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.