Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
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Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork