*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
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Fidel Castro was alive?
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.