Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.