DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
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I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly