tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
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Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.