I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
You Might Also Like
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.