In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
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Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
i meant to share this earlier
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Two types of dogs.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.