My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
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Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting