Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
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My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
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“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
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Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though