Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
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I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.