Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
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girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
S/o to @funTweeters .
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.