thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
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“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
$3 #books
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks