boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
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*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.