Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Twitter remains undefeated
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I’d … I’d rather not.