I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
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At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead