Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
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me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.